Ep44 The Victim Trap: Why You're Stuck and How to Break Free

Patricia Lindner  0:00  
So it needs some courage, of course, to face something. But it doesn't need to take long. Oftentimes, it's realization. Sometimes it's a little magic to really stand in this magnificent power that you internally, internally, already have, and it's just covered by something, and then we just go past that, and we don't need that any longer.

Jason Croft  0:25  
What if the key to unlocking your full potential isn't about adding more but revealing what's already there? In each episode of magnificence, host Patricia Lindner guides you to reveal your natural brilliance, remove what's been stopping you and reconnect to your authentic power. Join us as we explore how to access the magnificence that lives within us all.

Patricia Lindner  0:50  
Hello and welcome to magnificence. Today, we are going to talk about very strong reason for why you are not discovering you are magnificent, or why you are not feeling magnificent, and that is you playing the victim. I'm so very glad that Jason Croft is supporting me in this topic. As always, I can't wait to really dive into this topic as deep as we can, so that you get the most out of this episode of magnificence. Jason, I'm so grateful that you are by my side as always.

Jason Croft  1:32  
So glad to be here. Yeah, this was, this is a good one. This is an important topic too, because it's is. It's just like you said in that, in that intro. It's so foundational to anything in life. If you don't solve this in your own life, if you're experiencing it, there's really nothing else you can do.

Patricia Lindner  1:56  
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, and most people, they are not really aware about this victim. State that they wander around inside because it might show up. No one walks around and says, Oh, I always feel like maybe some people do. But what comes up most of the time, and that is a good indicator for you to see, is this something that is important for you, that shows up in your life. It could show up in you always feeling like outer circumstances contribute to your not well being, or to your not success, or to you not feeling happy and healthy and in a fulfilled relationship, for example. So when you have this tendency to look on the outside, and maybe even worse, have the tendency to blame others for the circumstances, for the lack of money that is flowing in, for everything that is going wrong then. And this is such a common pattern for so many people. It's really, I think it is in every human that this plays out, more or less. So when you feel like you want to complain about others or blame others for what is going on, then this is an indicator that you play in this victim role.

Jason Croft  3:38  
Yeah, I think it's I think it's interesting so, just so folks know this kind of came up the other day when you and I were talking about people you work with and don't work with and and there was this really important distinction that, you know, like, I can't work with someone who just plays this victim mode, and they're stuck in it, and they're staying there. Staying there, and we can get into some of that, of what led you to have that realization. But also this is important in my certainly my recommendation that nobody works with someone who's in that victim mode, right? And you don't get in a relationship with someone who's in that. So it's identifying this aspect for all of these reasons. And you brought up something interesting too, I think, even for for those of us who acknowledge this aspect, right of, oh, the victim. And we, we can instantly think of someone, right, and they just stay in it. Everything else is, everything is somebody else's fault, but it's, it's interesting, because you bring up, I think it is more of a spectrum, right? There's certainly people. I. The at the far end who live in that, and they get fed from that. But I think we all experience a little bit of it, even if we never outwardly say, and I think that's what's important to identify as as well. So what is it like that came up the other day. What is it that was that identifying piece about someone who's in that victim role or mindset? I should say that just, you can't really work with them. No one can really work with them until they shift out of, like, what is is that piece? Why is that something that okay, instead of, oh, we'll fix that part, and then we'll move on to something else. Why isn't that the path? Oh,

Patricia Lindner  5:55  
so you brought up so many aspects. Jason and I could write a book about everything that you said, because I have 100,000 thoughts going on in my head now you said something, and I will answer the question really soon, no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who plays the victim. Well, I would say that is that brought me to a very different way of answering your question, because I think I attracted back then, years, years and years ago, and sometimes it's still happening. I need to be very honest, I used to attract people that when talking about the spectrum, we're on the full blown aspect of being the victim that could be in a personal relationship, that could be in a working space. And I think it is always about it is all about relationships, and we bring something to the table that attracts people. And for me, the point when I decided no more. I really am happy to help someone who wants to leave this state because they are so determined to break the pattern. Of course, very welcome. But if I cater those who want to have this pattern continue and want to benefit from this pattern and drain me, and I don't want to say that they drain me. I allow them to drain me, and that was my pattern. Then I say, these are not the people you want to work with. I don't want to work with. You don't want to work with because they take that pattern as something that even is something like they take it as their personality because they draw energy from playing the victim. When you think about a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist thrives on playing the victim, especially when it's the covert, the silent, the vulnerable narcissist that plays small and always complains about situation. And then there is the strong partner that caters the person so much and doesn't Does, does both of them harm. So it is like about breaking a pattern, but in this work space. I think only people who are willing to hire me as their mirror, so that they detect what is going wrong and why they feel so unhappy, or why they get stuck in certain situations, or why they feel so unhappy, why they have body issues or why their relationship goes the wrong way, and they want to get past this point of complaining or self blaming, they are so welcome to work with me, and I think these are the ones that can go from this shadow aspect of being a victim. And I think it's a collective pattern. You named it so correctly. I think it's in everyone. It is something that is known in every human being. They are so ready to go from this shadow aspect of complaining or blaming to the other side of the spectrum, not the spectrum side of this pattern, which is complete freedom, or freedom most of the time. And I think that is what we want to reach. Because out of freedom, fake freedom is not what I desire and what my clients desire. It is. This internal freedom when they discover their magnificence

Jason Croft  10:05  
and just what you described there, as soon as somebody, even if they've been living out these patterns and talking about their issues over and over and they have this realization, oh, that I keep telling somebody about my problems so I can get that into Oh, but as soon as they have that realization, like I want to fix this, I am acknowledging that I have been doing this and playing the victim. As soon as that shift happens. That's when you can work with someone, because that is one step out of victimhood. And I think that's the distinction there. And of course, it's not a clean I'm no longer a victim. You then go down the path and do the work, and you slip back and you go through but at least, if you can have that to hang on to, that they're acknowledging that it is, it's it's empowering when you can take every everything going on your life, and bring it in and say how, just like you described, attracting those victims. What have I done to contribute to this. Because if you can take control of that, or not even control, but just acknowledge your piece of it, that means you have the power to change

Patricia Lindner  11:35  
it. It is like you need to break the cycle, to break the pattern. It's like no longer giving wood into the fire, not for yourself and not for others, and that is what I stopped doing. That's why I don't attract people who are not willing to do the work. And sometimes it feels very exciting to go on that journey, because you need to be brave, brave enough to figure out, hey, why is this showing up, and why am I in this same loop over and over again, and how can I go past that? So it needs some courage, of course, to face something. But it doesn't need to take long. Oftentimes it's realization. Sometimes it's a little magic to really stand in this magnificent power that you internally, eternally, already have, and it's just covered by something. And then we just go past that, and we don't need that any longer. So you feel so much freer. And when I say freer, I mean internally and externally, and I mean physically, mentally and also soul wise.

Jason Croft  12:52  
There's a piece to this too. If you're out there wondering, how does this show up or, Oh, am I being the victim? I think some of those markers are, are you telling people your problems over and over again to just so here's the counterpoint for me. I have my issues like every everyone else, hard to believe, right? I know it seems like I'm perfect, but my issues and I'm exhausted, even when someone on the other side is like, hey, I really want to help you with this, and I am so exhausted from even thinking about it even more I acknowledge that, yeah, there's something going on. I don't know what it is. I I'm so bored of talking about it. You have to be bored, you know? If that, that's the counterpoint, right? Rather than, Oh, who can I tell by my problems today? And how can I get that attention and how? And that is, again, there's talk therapy and all that has its place in the world, but there the downside of it can be staying just talking about what happened to you and what happened and what happened and what happened, and you just stay in that for years instead of moving beyond that and taking any of that empowering aspect,

Patricia Lindner  14:27  
it's not only about the victims or the so called victims, it's also about the I want to rescue victim people, the one, the ones like I described when I talked about myself, I wanted to nourish people that felt miserable old all the time. I wanted to rescue them from their miserable state. So my work is not just that. I help people who feel like they need to blame themselves. Else, or anyone or need to look for who did that to me, it's also those who are stuck in this pattern of, I want to rescue this person. I want to help this person. This is both of them are like people build an identity around how they act, the way they feel, they connect it to a certain emotion and an experience, and it forms to be their identity. And this is so interesting that we seem to not be able to change this identity. And that's not true. The truth is that you always can change this identity, and that is what I so much enjoy seeing in myself and seeing in people. And I think I'm the living example, because I tried and tested so many things, and I experienced so many things in workspace as well as in personal relationships and marriages. So I don't, I really want to be honest about that, and I think it was me studying everything so that i i totally truthfully and honestly can say you don't need to keep this identity that keeps you from feeling happy and that makes your body feel unhealthy. So there are ways to to change, and it's never too late. It's never too late. I can really say that from my heart of hearts,

Jason Croft  16:38  
Oh, yeah. And so to get to the point of, for everyone out there, why we're even talking about this, right? I think it's, I think it's twofold. One is to first identify this aspect in ourselves at whatever degree it may be. And hopefully, you know, you listening out there. You're you're not so far on the on the spectrum that it everything that happens is someone else's fault. But you may identify a little piece that could take you down that road or take you down a direction that you don't want to so to just bring that awareness to kind of stop that pattern when it comes up. But secondly, and more importantly, with what to do with this. How do we, besides not attracting them, how do we avoid that victim? What do we do in our life, whether it's the workplace relationship clients. How do we identify that victim mode? What do we do about it when we see that in somebody and kind of move on to stay away from that they're in their life, or we want to help them keep those people out of their lives.

Patricia Lindner  17:59  
So I think the only thing that we always can do when something harmful or limiting is happening to us, and I think I pointed it out a little bit, it's always looking at ourselves, we are the only person that we really can change. You never can change a person outside of yourself, but when you look into the depths of who you are and what formed you and what drives you to let people into your space that drain you or to cater to people that are the victim or play The victim. I want to say play, because no one really is the victim. Or that drains your energy, or that doesn't value your your work. There is something inside of you that caused you show up like that, and it's all about seeing that and honoring that and figuring out what it is. And sometimes there could be really going to this place or time or experience or memory, and sometimes it's and that sounds pretty wild, but it's so true. Sometimes it's just some energetic patterns. Something is it's something that you you can't grab, but I have the capacity to see beyond what, what someone could really see through journaling or looking into the mirror, and so that is what I like about it. So it could be really something hidden that you can't grab, and we definitely will figure that out. And then I have amazing ways to be a catalyst for someone or a mentor. Sure to get them to the other side where they no longer attract people, or no longer are this magnet to people that always complain and drain them, or oftentimes they are really sucked out energetically by victims. And on the other side, when someone who feels like, Oh yes, I always complain, and I always blame myself or another person when they start seeing why this served them, or why something led to being like that or behaving like that. And even though they can't, oftentimes go to this certain incident, or maybe even a phase or many years of what they experienced, it could also be something invisible that we can figure out, and then we can work on that. And there is always a way. And the most important thing that I want to says, here it is very individual. There is no one size fits all approach, I can't tell you. Jason, so first I do this, and then we do that, and the next thing is we do that, because that is what puts me on fire, because that is not what my work is all about. It's all about finding the magnificence that resides in the person that sits across and that is very individual.

Jason Croft  21:39  
Oh yeah, yeah, big time. I think that's great. I hope we've brought that awareness to folks to really experience that because, and I can, I can tell you firsthand, it's, it's a crazy thing when you make that shift within yourself, even the people in your life who are like that. Sometimes they will change. It's wild. Just by your change and shift entire being of what you will allow and accept without even having a conversation with that person. And they shift and change. And then for those who don't, they find their way out of your life, and you don't attract new ones. It's, it's, it's an amazing phenomena, for

Patricia Lindner  22:26  
sure. Then it's a win win situation. Either they disappear or they change. So whenever you start looking at yourself and start shifting your internal pattern and start discovering how magnificent you are, how clear you are, how confident you can be, and that you deserve all of that, then things magically change,

Jason Croft  22:54  
absolutely, all right. Well, I think we're I think we feel good there with bringing this in. Yeah, like you mentioned at the beginning, there's 100 lanes we can go down with this, with this aspect and the different nuances, but it was an important one. I'm glad we talked about

Patricia Lindner  23:14  
that. Thank you so much for being such an amazing conversational partner. I enjoyed the conversation, and I hope that you as someone in the audience really got a ton out of that. Talk to you soon in another episode of magnificence. Thank you for being there and listening or watching these episodes. Bye for now.

Jason Croft  23:40  
Thank you for joining us for another episode of magnificence. Remember your path to success isn't about discovering something new, it's about revealing the power you already possess if you're ready to take the next step in uncovering your own magnificence. Schedule an illumination call at Patricia lindner.com make sure to subscribe to the show and join us next time, as we continue exploring practical ways to unlock your natural brilliance. Until then, trust that your magnificence is already within you ready to shine through you.